Thoughts on a Child's Tale

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand." - The Velveteen Rabbit

I have tried to write this blog several times before, and somehow I just couldn’t get all my thoughts to flow in a coherent fashion. I could run with it in a thousand different directions. But tonight just felt like the right time to share that something about The Velveteen Rabbit resonates deeply within me, and I assume it’s because the Lord is trying to teach me something or some things. I have begun noticing that many times the Lord captures my attention through tales- fables, the parables, even a cartoon or two. Perhaps that’s why I love telling stories so much, because stories speak to my heart in such a relevant way.

At the heart of our story is this: the Velveteen Rabbit longs to be Real. But in order for that to happen, he must first be loved. This love is risky; it is not for the faint at heart. Like the Skin Horse warns, “it doesn’t happen often to people to break easily, or have sharp edges, or have to be carefully kept.” But the Velveteen Rabbit cares nothing of these warnings for the weak. He takes the risk, and at our story’s end he does indeed become Real- not just Real to the boy, but the Real that comes from being truly alive. And at our story’s end this rabbit, the Rabbit formerly made of Velveteen, visits the boy who first gave him to chance to become Real. And he is the most beautiful rabbit of them all.

I think I’m a lot like the Velveteen Rabbit. Not that I was fake before, I just wasn’t alive. On the outside I may have looked alive, I was living and breathing and maybe even smiling once in a while. But I’d be willing to bet that on certain days, if you looked inside, you’d see cotton batting in place of my organs. It was as if somewhere along the way I started to believe the lie that I didn’t have anything important to say. Maybe I never did believe. And with that, I shut off my heart to the world and at times to God himself.

It didn’t happen all at once- Satan was too smart to pull that. Surely I would have caught on sooner. But slowly and surely, over the past 10 months, my heart started to slip away. I bought into the lies that I was boring, that I was foolish, and that I certainly had nothing to offer the world or to the Lord. And so I kept to myself, not wanting to bore or burden anyone with my words, my hopes, my friendship. Until now.

As the Rabbit wants so badly to be Real, I too long to be Real. I want to choose the gutsy love, the love that is not for those who break easily or who need to be carefully kept. I know that in the midst of this difficult season, the Lord is offering me that love, His love. His offer has actually always been on the table; in fact, it's offered freely to everyone! But I'm just now starting to truly understand the value of his offer.

Weeks passed, and the little Rabbit grew very old and shabby, but the Boy loved him just as much. He loved him so hard that he loved all his whiskers off, and the pink lining to his ears turned grey, and his brown spots faded. He even began to lose his shape, and he scarcely looked like a rabbit any more, except to the Boy. To him he was always beautiful, and that was all that the little Rabbit cared about. He didn't mind how he looked to other people, because the nursery magic had made him Real, and when you are Real shabbiness doesn't matter.

Often times over the past few weeks I have compared myself to that little rabbit. At times I have felt pretty shabby; my smile and freckles faded, and sometimes I scarcely felt like a normal person. My heart and attitude were ugly. But I am reminded that no matter how shabby I look to the world, I will always be beautiful to the Lord.

I’m still fighting that battle, the one that says that sitting on the shelf being carefully kept and free from breaking is better than subjecting myself to tough love, Real love. But my heart knows that ultimately, if He’s offering me the chance to become Real -to become like his Son, to allow the Lord to love me- than that’s all this little rabbit wants to care about.

What Do I Know of Holy?

Lately I’ve been battling a faith crisis in a major way. I know it seems silly, that someone who is going into full-time ministry would fight to believe that God loves her. A lot of it has to deal with unmet and perhaps somewhat unrealistic expectations, but somehow I’m still not fully grasping it. My head gets it, but my heart is still wanting to rebel against the God I know I love. It’s a little embarrassing to admit that. But I know that if I confess my sin to Him, he is faithful and just to forgive me and cleanse me from every wrong. 1 John 1:9 makes that clear. With that confession comes another- that over the past few days, I’ve felt too weak to even pray coherent thoughts. So I’ve had this song on repeat in my little Hyundai, hoping that as I belt the words, that God would know what I am trying to say. It’s by Addison Road, and it’s titled What Do I Know of Holy?

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven, but I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small, I never feared You at all, No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

What do I know of You, who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood, but the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were might to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

What do I know of You, who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood, but the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life it's name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

What do I know of You, who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood, but the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

Rhythm is a Dancer

I love…

Waking up and not feeling the least bit tired.
Walking around the quad with my special friend who lives in Africa.
Getting calls from people I love.
Eating my weight in chocolate before noon.
Receiving personalized mail.
Not having to drive.
Spending time with fun friends.
Skating rink music.
World-cup themed cookie cakes.
Making people laugh.
Laughing really hard myself.
Chocolate reprises.
Days when I can’t seem to get that goofy grin off my face.
Dressing up.
Having Rachel do my eye make-up.
Thai food.
Taking glamour shots.
Knowing I’m delighted in.
Living carefree.
Being able to experience all this and more yesterday as a result of turning 25,
and the Lord, for loving me and blessing me with so much more than my fallen human heart will ever deserve. He gives such good gifts to his children, and I received so many of them yesterday!

After some very strategic stalling, I walked in on a "sweet" surprise!

This may be the most natural "action" shot of the night- trying to read my cake! There was a lot of icing to be read!

Confession: I may have watched one soccer game ever from birth to age 24. Then I fell in love with the World Cup this year. I can't get enough!

I told you I ate my weight in it!

I see you, Heather!

A few of my beautiful friends, from left to right: Alana, Elaine, me, Heather, & Rachel.

Working my way to fabulous.

The favorite pose with my favorite friend!