The past 9 months of my life have been a battle of sorts. A battle to be joyful, a battle to be satisfied, a battle to believe. For the past 9 months, I have been raising support to do full-time mission work. I knew when the Lord placed this call in my life that the support path would be difficult, but I never thought it’d be this hard. Three quarters of a year in, I am only about halfway to my goal. To say I often fight feelings of discouragement would be an understatement. Not that the Lord has not shown up in some awesome ways! But my heart desires to be on campus so badly it aches. I’ve run the gamut of emotions, from elation to shame and back again. Sometimes I struggle to believe that I can do this, or believe that I am even worthy of the Lord’s provision. In my darkest moments, I fight to believe the Lord’s plan for me are good.
I’m the girl who believes that everyone else’s glasses are full, but is deceived enough to think that hers is half empty. It is from this mentality that my struggles are bred. If I’ve learned anything over these past 9 months, it is that not only is this way of thinking not good for me, it is unbiblical! And it’s certainly not glorifying to my Father in heaven! Praise God, He does not leave us defenseless. He has given us His Word, the sword with which we are to fight and the light that pierces through my darkness.
During this season of my life, I find myself consistently drawn to the Psalms. I love the reading through the Psalms. I find that though I am a very emotional person, I am not always an overly expressive person. I've always had trouble articulating how I feel. The Psalms seem to express the thoughts I can’t always put words to, the things that despite how I feel I know are true. Psalm 34 has been one of those passages the Lord keeps leading me back to. Every time I read it, my heart recognizes it's true. But that's not enough for the Lord; He wants me to believe it for myself. And I want to believe it too, because with the truth comes victory over the battles.
Psalm 34
1 A psalm of David, regarding the time he pretended to be insane in front of Abimelech, who sent him away. I will praise the LORD at all times. I will constantly speak his praises.
2 I will boast only in the LORD; let all who are discouraged take heart.
3 Come, let us tell of the LORD's greatness; let us exalt his name together.
4 I prayed to the LORD, and he answered me, freeing me from all my fears.
5 Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces.
6 I cried out to the LORD in my suffering, and he heard me. He set me free from all my fears.
7 For the angel of the LORD guards all who fear him, and he rescues them.
8 Taste and see that the LORD is good. Oh, the joys of those who trust in him!
9 Let the LORD's people show him reverence, for those who honor him will have all they need.
10 Even strong young lions sometimes go hungry, but those who trust in the LORD will never lack any good thing.
11 Come, my children, and listen to me, and I will teach you to fear the LORD.
12 Do any of you want to live a life that is long and good?
13 Then watch your tongue! Keep your lips from telling lies!
14Turn away from evil and do good. Work hard at living in peace with others.
15 The eyes of the LORD watch over those who do right; his ears are open to their cries for help.
16 But the LORD turns his face against those who do evil; he will erase their memory from the earth.
17 The LORD hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles.
18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit.
19 The righteous face many troubles, but the LORD rescues them from each and every one.
20 For the LORD protects them from harm-- not one of their bones will be broken!
21 Calamity will surely overtake the wicked, and those who hate the righteous will be punished.
22 But the LORD will redeem those who serve him. Everyone who trusts in him will be freely pardoned.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Thursday, May 6, 2010
The Grace Killer
If you have traveled to London, you have perhaps seen royalty. If so, you may have noticed sophistication, aloofness, distance. On occasion, royalty in England will make news because someone in the ranks of nobility will stop, kneel down, and touch or bless a commoner. That is grace. There is nothing in the commoner that deserves being noticed or touched or blessed by the royal family. But because of grace in the heart of the royal person, there is the desire at that moment to pause, to stoop, to touch, even to bless.
- Chuck Swindoll
For years I've yearned to understand grace, to know what it was like to experience true grace for myself. It was like this great big mystery that I knew was good, was good for me, and was freely given to me. Yeah, I knew all about the grace you learn about in Sunday school, but somehow that didn’t satisfy me. Maybe because deep down, I knew there was more to it. Some people I knew just really seemed to get it, to relish it, to live it! And so often I wondered what it would be like to experience grace like that, the grace that makes people sing and dance and clap, the grace that truly sets people free.
If I know anything, it’s that God so desperately wants his children to understand grace, to receive it for ourselves. Understanding grace means to cherish grace. To cherish grace is to cherish the giver of grace. True grace knows that it is wholly undeserved, yet lovingly given even if it may never be returned.
I know I love God. And I know that I believe that anything he has for me has to be good. So what is it about grace that makes it so hard for people to receive? It’s called the fall, people, our own stupid pride.
Isn't it amazing how, as Christians, we often fall to our knees in praise when the Lord answers our requests, the first thought being, "I don't deserve this!" Oh, but how different that story was even the very moment before we were touched by His grace. I'm the first in line to admit this. Even if I send up a half-hearted prayer, my attitude is whole-heartedly one of entitlement. I deserve this, Father. Why aren't you giving it me? And yet the moment the Lord chooses to stoop down, to bless me, I turn instantaneously into a blubbering mess. I don't even take time to enjoy the gift he's chosen to give! Often times, in that moment, I reject His grace, the same grace I so often long to embrace.
My friendships have taught me more about God’s grace- and about how good I am at rejecting it- more than most books I’ve read. 9 times out of 10, I am on the receiving end of friendship. I have been blessed with sweet friends that pursue me time and time again, calling me even though I rarely call them first. Yet they always seem just as eager to talk with me, to care about my life even when I don't care about my life. I have been given friends that sit with me as I battle my own demons over and over, talking circles around myself, yet they never give up on me, and never get tired of loving someone who never feels like she has her act together. (Side note: No one really does. Nor should anyone desire to. To desire this is to not to desire Christ.) I have friends that assure me that through thick and thin, they won't be going anywhere. So desperately I long to repay these precious people for their kinds words, their hours of encouragement, their prayers, their advice! I long for nothing more than to return to them ten-fold the love and grace they've shown me. This is a good desire. Yet on the flip-side, so often I wonder what delight my friendship could possibly bring to them. It’s disgusting how quickly the Enemy turns me from a grateful recipient of love to a self-loathing rejecter of grace. In this moment, I turn into what Chuck Swindoll would call a grace killer.
It is in that next moment, then, that I must choose for myself to accept grace. Not that I should ever take advantage of grace- of course I should love and cherish and serve well the people the Lord has placed in my path! But I should never believe that my sin is greater than God’s grace, nor should I ever reject the grace that is so freely given to me. To do so if not glorifying to the One I claim I seek to bring glory to.
Understanding grace means understanding that there is nothing in me that deserves to be noticed, or touched, or blessed by the Lord. But in His infinite love, he chooses to do so. His word says it brings him delight! The Lord is noble, but he is not British nobility. He is not aloof- far from it! He knows everything about me, the good, the bad, the ugly. And yet, he notices me. Before the creation of the world, He chose me in him to be holy and blameless before him (Ephesians 1, read it!). Before the foundation of the world, he saw me and said, “I. Want. Her.” The Lord takes the time to pause, to stoop, to touch and to lavishly bless me, despite the fact that I did nothing to earn his favor. Why? Because that’s what grace is. And that’s what love does.
* Quotations by Chuck Swindoll taken from his book, The Grace Awakening.
- Chuck Swindoll
For years I've yearned to understand grace, to know what it was like to experience true grace for myself. It was like this great big mystery that I knew was good, was good for me, and was freely given to me. Yeah, I knew all about the grace you learn about in Sunday school, but somehow that didn’t satisfy me. Maybe because deep down, I knew there was more to it. Some people I knew just really seemed to get it, to relish it, to live it! And so often I wondered what it would be like to experience grace like that, the grace that makes people sing and dance and clap, the grace that truly sets people free.
If I know anything, it’s that God so desperately wants his children to understand grace, to receive it for ourselves. Understanding grace means to cherish grace. To cherish grace is to cherish the giver of grace. True grace knows that it is wholly undeserved, yet lovingly given even if it may never be returned.
I know I love God. And I know that I believe that anything he has for me has to be good. So what is it about grace that makes it so hard for people to receive? It’s called the fall, people, our own stupid pride.
Isn't it amazing how, as Christians, we often fall to our knees in praise when the Lord answers our requests, the first thought being, "I don't deserve this!" Oh, but how different that story was even the very moment before we were touched by His grace. I'm the first in line to admit this. Even if I send up a half-hearted prayer, my attitude is whole-heartedly one of entitlement. I deserve this, Father. Why aren't you giving it me? And yet the moment the Lord chooses to stoop down, to bless me, I turn instantaneously into a blubbering mess. I don't even take time to enjoy the gift he's chosen to give! Often times, in that moment, I reject His grace, the same grace I so often long to embrace.
My friendships have taught me more about God’s grace- and about how good I am at rejecting it- more than most books I’ve read. 9 times out of 10, I am on the receiving end of friendship. I have been blessed with sweet friends that pursue me time and time again, calling me even though I rarely call them first. Yet they always seem just as eager to talk with me, to care about my life even when I don't care about my life. I have been given friends that sit with me as I battle my own demons over and over, talking circles around myself, yet they never give up on me, and never get tired of loving someone who never feels like she has her act together. (Side note: No one really does. Nor should anyone desire to. To desire this is to not to desire Christ.) I have friends that assure me that through thick and thin, they won't be going anywhere. So desperately I long to repay these precious people for their kinds words, their hours of encouragement, their prayers, their advice! I long for nothing more than to return to them ten-fold the love and grace they've shown me. This is a good desire. Yet on the flip-side, so often I wonder what delight my friendship could possibly bring to them. It’s disgusting how quickly the Enemy turns me from a grateful recipient of love to a self-loathing rejecter of grace. In this moment, I turn into what Chuck Swindoll would call a grace killer.
It is in that next moment, then, that I must choose for myself to accept grace. Not that I should ever take advantage of grace- of course I should love and cherish and serve well the people the Lord has placed in my path! But I should never believe that my sin is greater than God’s grace, nor should I ever reject the grace that is so freely given to me. To do so if not glorifying to the One I claim I seek to bring glory to.
Understanding grace means understanding that there is nothing in me that deserves to be noticed, or touched, or blessed by the Lord. But in His infinite love, he chooses to do so. His word says it brings him delight! The Lord is noble, but he is not British nobility. He is not aloof- far from it! He knows everything about me, the good, the bad, the ugly. And yet, he notices me. Before the creation of the world, He chose me in him to be holy and blameless before him (Ephesians 1, read it!). Before the foundation of the world, he saw me and said, “I. Want. Her.” The Lord takes the time to pause, to stoop, to touch and to lavishly bless me, despite the fact that I did nothing to earn his favor. Why? Because that’s what grace is. And that’s what love does.
* Quotations by Chuck Swindoll taken from his book, The Grace Awakening.
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