For a self-proclaimed perfectionist, I sure don’t like being around perfect people. I don’t think I am alone in this. But I sure like to pretend that I have it all together. I don’t think I’m alone in this either.
Why is that? Why do we attempt perfection, when perfection itself is what alienates others from us? Exactly what is it that keeps us feeding this desire?
I’m no psychologist- I can’t claim to have it all figured out. But I can claim an answer for my own behavior, and that is this: I long desperately to be loved. This explains a great deal about how I’ve operated for the past 25 years of my life- offering only the pieces of myself that I believe will be liked or accepted, sometimes even to my best friends. So many times I wanted to offer all of myself, to be known- fully known. But I mistakenly believed that if these two longings, the desire to be loved and the desire to be known, were each made reality, they could not co-exist.
It wasn’t until I turned 25 that I realized how flawed my belief systems were. It wasn't until I turned 25 and soon after hit rock-bottom emotionally that I began to see how wrong I was. Reaching an all-time low sought me to seek the face of the Lord. As I sought answers from Him, I began to know Him more fully. As I got to know Him better, I began to love Him more. I can say I love Jesus because I know him. And the more Real He became to me, the more Real I wanted to be.
Easier said than done. Being Real is hard. This past year, I’ve actually fought harder than ever to look like I have it all together. I've defaulted back to the patterns I know and love, therefore robbing myself of opportunities to be known or loved. Luckily for me, there was One fighting harder for me than I was fighting against myself.
In His grace, I am finally able to flourish in the freedom of being Real. It started with an email to the people I had been hiding from the most, my friends and ministry partners. It hasn’t ended. It continues with phenomenal responses, outpourings of love from friends so thankful that I had taken the time to be Real with them and those who wished to be Real by sharing their prayer requests with me.
I share with you this email now, because if you read my blog, I guess you want to know me. I want you to know me, the Real me. I want to know you too.
Hello friends!
I hope this email finds you happy, healthy, and full of hope!
As the sunlight came streaming into my car during my drive over the causeway this morning, I was reminded once again of how powerful a promise hope is. The first truly warm day after months of cold and gloom brought with a glimpse of life. In a lot of ways I feel like that is what the Lord has been doing in my heart over these past couple of months, bringing it back to life. This might seem strange coming from me, a person whose goal is to share true hope with college students on a daily basis. But as winter came and hovered, hope retreated and fear and shame came in to take its place. They invited their friend disappointment to make a home in my heart too, and despite my vain attempts to root them out, they lingered for much longer than I would have liked.
I struggled with whether to tell you this because frankly... I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed that after a year and a half, I was still not done raising support. I was ashamed that I was struggling to believe that God's plans for me were good and perfect. I began emotionally beating myself up for not being a better follower or Christ or a better support-raiser. And worst of all, I was mad at the Lord! Why couldn't I be done already? After so many people (me included) projected that I would be done and officially reporting to FSU in January, why was I still struggling to finish?
This friends, is what I mean when I say that I had lost hope. I began to believe that my mistakes were too big for the Lord to use for his good, or too ugly for Him to weave into something beautiful.
But when I least expected it, something beautiful did happen. When my hope-tank was on E, the Lord stooped in and re-introduced me to grace. He reminded me that my mistakes can be used for good in His kingdom, and that His infinite wisdom enables Him to take my errors and weave them into a intricate work that is good. And for the first time in a long time, I actually believed him. This is the message that college students so desperately need to hear- that there is hope! And the only place they can find it is in Christ alone.
So what is hope? Hope is confidence in the character of God. And what do we know about God's character? That he is loving, that he is good, that he is sovereign, and that he is faithful (even we we are faithless)! And these are but a few facets of his perfect character!
At this point if time, I am still 100% confident that the Lord has called me to work for Campus Crusade for Christ on the Florida State campus, and I believe each day that passes brings me closer to that goal. If anything, my journey through this wilderness makes me ever more excited to share with students the only hope I know- Jesus. I am still not done raising my needed monthly support, but I praise God for the 80% he has brought in and trust him for that last 20. My eyes are on the prize, and I am running harder than ever to finish what He has called me to.
Again, I struggled with whether to share this with y'all because I was feeling because more than anything, I was fearful. I was scared people would judge me or give up on me, or think I mis-heard God's calling on my life. But as friends and co-laborers in ministry, I feel that not only do you desereve to know, I want you to know. I covet your prayers. I ask for your prayers now, prayers of strength and belief. Please pray that I would continue to recognize His grace and willingly receive it. Please pray that I would willingly pass this grace, the grace that comes from God, to my non-Christian friends and family for the remainder of my time at home. Pray that the Lord would do a supernatural work to bring my support team to completion faster than I ever dare dream. And lastly, please pray for the students at Florida State who today have no hope and no idea where to find it. They is the most important request of all.
Where is your hope, friends? What are you trusting God for today? How may I be trusting Him alongside you? From the bottom of my heart, thank you for taking this faith journey with me. Your prayers, encouragement, and sacrifice mean more than you will ever know. Please let me know how I may be journeying with you.
Love in Christ,
Katie
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